The ‘magic’ of the emotional troughs that we go through in our lives is that they sweep away our old way of thinking, even though the process is very painful. It’s only when this has happened that we are capable of exploring new ways of looking at life. And just as there is no dawn without night, so there is no transformation or learning without humility. The knights of medieval times knelt when they were made knights; getting down on their knees was a symbol of their humility, which comes from the Latin humus, meaning earth. And in the same way, only when we fall and question ourselves to our core –when we are humble- can a process of inner discovery and transformation take place.

There’s no need to go looking for emotional turmoil in our lives– it will find us. That being the case, let’s look at some of the keys that can help us to overcome it as quickly as possible:

1. Own up to how you are feeling. If you are feeling sad, you mustn’t deny it– your emotions are what they are. Some things hurt us, and accepting this is the first step to overcoming them.

2. Put distance between yourself and your emotions. Once you’ve admitted how you are feeling, you need to contemplate your emotions from as far away as possible. We are not our emotions or our thoughts; we are something far greater, and have the ability to re-create ourselves.

3. Forgive. Very often, emotional upheavals put us face-to-face with our past mistakes. We are not perfect, although we spend a lot of the time trying to be. Forgiving the other person and/or ourselves is another essential step in finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

4. Creativity. Finding creative outlets during times of sadness is an excellent way of channelling our energies in a positive direction. Writing, painting, cooking … there are many things that can put us in touch with our natural creativity

5. Be grateful. In spite of everything, even when we are plunged in the deepest despair (or the dark night, as St. John of the Cross says), we are blessed by the simple fact that we are alive. As I wrote in a previous post, enthusiasm is an inner emotion that comes to the surface if we are grateful for what we have. Therefore, reflecting daily on those things for which we are truly thankful is a very good way of helping us get through the most trying of times.

Barely 150 years ago, life expectancy in Spain didn’t reach 40, and only a quarter of the population could read and write; and of course, working conditions were far worse, and many rights which we now take for granted simply did not exist. And even today, despite the despondency in Spain and much of Europe, many countries in Latin America and Asia are experiencing double-digit growth, and the prevailing mood there is far from pessimistic. In Spain, in contrast, we are sad.

Spanish companies are expectantly waiting for political decisions designed to refloat the economy; nevertheless, each of us cannot turn a blind eye to what we as individuals can do to help overcome the current malaise. Every organisation is characterised by a prevailing climate which all its members, to a greater or lesser extent, contribute to.  And it’s difficult for companies to compete if they’re mired in apathy, or to envision a new future if they’re bogged down by nostalgia for the good times that may never come back. We are not going through a common-or-garden economic crisis; we are living in a time of historic change. However, despite the negative connotations that this may have, the current situation is infinitely better than the lot which fell to any of our ancestors.

At the moment, apart from structural change, we are also in great need of enthusiasm, a word which comes from en-teos, or inner divinity. Enthusiasm doesn’t come from something outside ourselves; rather, it is something that springs from within, and is nurtured or dampened by every decision that we take, in our inner dialogue with ourselves, and in our interaction with others. These are not easy times, as we all know, but if we start to look at things differently, we will have more strength to face up to the challenges before us, and to change the collective mindset that currently holds us in its thrall.

First published in Spanish in Expansión.com 30/09/2011

If we want to listen to ourselves, we need to be still and create space so that we can reflect sincerely and be honest with ourselves. If we can’t do this, let us at least try to recognize the signs that something is wrong in our lives– when we are prey to negative emotions, or we have physical problems, or feel totally stressed out.

The adventure of knowing ourselves is not just a question of knowing what we really want; it also means taking the decisions to achieve it, although this may mean going through a lot of pain in the short term. As I wrote in my book Everyday Heroes, in the end we do emerge from the wilderness; if we deny who we are, on the other hand, then there’s not necessarily any way out. There are people who spend their whole lives in this state of denial for fear of taking the first step; then, in a moment of lucidity, they regret in silence what might have been … too heavy a burden to carry round all of your life.

The problem of fear becomes more serious when its root cause is more subtle and difficult to pin down. Behind our fear of rejection (what will people say?), failure (not living up to your own or others’ expectations) or loss of power or status (position in the company, having a particular make of car), lies the fear of losing a mask or a role. This mask can take many forms, for example: being popular, always appearing to be on top of things, being the personification of success, etc. Moreover, if you dig a bit deeper, you come to realize that this mask is what gives you the security of feeling appreciated by others and is also very often what gives you your own sense of self-worth. And therein lies the trap. For example, when they’ve had a project go down the tubes at work, many people are more affected by their wounded pride than by the strictly work-related consequences. And this is bound up with their self-image and the role which they have assigned themselves.

If you are able to pinpoint what lies behind your fear and whether your fear is actually doing you any good, you’ll have made great strides in any process of personal change; because change is only possible once all the masks have fallen to the ground.

“Without friendship no one would want to live, even if they were to have all other possessions […]; for what is the point of prosperity if it is deprived of the ability to do good to one’s friends?”

Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics

Friendship makes life easier, as Aristotle affirmed over two thousand years ago; and friendship does not just exist between friends, it can also exist between parents and children, and within couples (although its presence in couples was only contemplated centuries after the philosopher’s death). Friendship rescues us from loneliness, which can become especially pernicious at times of great pain, as Bradburn demonstrated in 1969. In the United States, 26% of people admit to feeling lonely and being depressed and unhappy. In my own country, Spain, the figure is similar: in a survey carried out in 1991, 20% of people owned up to feeling unhappy.

Friendship is not just necessary if we want to avoid feeling lonely; it also enables us to share with others, to live a fuller and more authentic life … and even to increase our life expectancy! This is the finding of a research project carried out at Flinders University in Australia. Over the course of ten years, researchers there analyzed the social relationships maintained by almost 1,500 people over the age of 70, and established a correlation with how long they lived. Their conclusions are very revealing: the people who had more and better relationships had 22% more chance of surviving. Friendship, it would seem, is the elixir of youth. Friendship also lowers the risk of suffering a heart attack, according to research published in the journal Heart in the U.K.: people who have already suffered one heart attack are twice as likely to suffer another one within the space of two years if they don’t have a good friend, a family member, or a partner to confide in.

We might ask why the art of cultivating friends is not a compulsory subject on all school curricula. Friendship is possibly one of the most important sources of strength to help us overcome problems and to improve ourselves as people. In myths and fables, all heroes can count on a friend; a guide may not cross their path, but a friend is always there. Friends are like a life raft at difficult times; they make you see that you are not alone and that you can share your pain. Sometimes you can experience this sense of comfort with people you least expect, or with someone who you only meet once in your life, but who is there for you just at the right time. Often it is unnecessary for the other person to say anything: the fact that they are there with you is enough to help heal your wounds. Such is the magic of friendship.